Wednesday, 8 April 2015

A Bundle Of Nerves

Have you ever wondered how everything seems to be sugar coated in movies? On the silver screen, every time a woman gets pregnant she is shown to suddenly develop exceptional maternal instincts. It happens as quickly as the bold line appears on the test. She’s portrayed to be happy devoid of any apprehensions. While I'm all for those, I do wish they would be slightly realistic too. 

Well, it’s the 6th week of my pregnancy and honestly I’m just a bundle of nerves. That's about all I'm at the moment. My heart appears to be beating a rate higher than bullet trains with millions of new thoughts occupying it every second. It’s like I’m walking on thin ice, one wrong step and the fall could hit me harder than ever.

Source by Boians Cho Joo Young
Whether I’m ready for a baby? Yes, as ready as I’ll ever be. And most importantly this is a planned pregnancy, something T and I had talked about at length. Happy and excited, I’m all of those things but I’m extremely scared too. It’s a seesaw of emotions I seem to be on. It’s hard to express but the mere thought of my life changing forever, and this time in reality, is taking a long time to sink in. Overwhelming is the word that I’m looking for perhaps.

But why only mine, T’s life is going to change too? In fact, our life as a couple is going to undergo a paradigm shift. But he seems to be dealing with it a lot better than me. He calls it maintaining the equilibrium in our relationship. So, while I’m worrying, he has chosen to remain steady for me. Well, that’s T, always taking every responsibility he comes across, sometimes more than he needs to.

These past few weeks have been all about mental notes. What to eat, what not to eat, then to eat and eat some more. To take no stress, to do this and that. Every one whom we have shared the news with has a tip to give. But all I want is for them to let me first come to terms with this huge change in life and my body. Of course, all of their suggestions are well intended but I don’t want to be treated differently because I’m expecting. I just want some form of normalcy, some form of familiarity before everything changes, before I can shed all my fears and accept the changes, big or small.

I don’t know how first time moms feel, what they go through. Perhaps it’s all normal and I’ll get the hang of it soon. Perhaps I’ll realize that all my fears were unfounded. But until then I want to be left alone to embrace this in my own way. Does it make any sense at all?

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